For twenty years, Kristin Neff has been a powerful advocate for self-compassion. Her 2003 research paper, “Self-Compassion: An Alternative Conceptualization of a Healthy Attitude Toward Oneself” gave birth to the research field of self-compassion, a field which now has over 3,500 published studies and counting. In 2011, her first book, Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, helped the field grow to adolescence by bringing the significant body of academic research to the public. Now, with Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power, and Thrive, Neff brings our understanding of self-compassion into a new maturity.
When the world thinks of self-compassion, they often think of what Neff characterizes as “tender self-compassion.” In fact, Neff herself acknowledges that the need for both fierce and tender self-compassion is a recent understanding for her. In her groundbreaking academic work and her book, Self-Compassion, she developed and articulated a self-compassion model consisting of three elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. The focus in these earlier works was on the three elements in service of tender self-compassion. With Fierce Self-Compassion, she extends this three-element framework to fierce self-compassion.
This extension is critical because tender and fierce self-compassion are both required to constitute a complete self-compassion. The appropriate balance between the two forms will vary depending on the situation to which one is responding. Tender self-compassion, when not complemented by fierce self-compassion, is incomplete, and runs the risk of becoming passive and complacent. On the other hand, fierce self-compassion without the balance of tenderness faces the danger of being hostile, aggressive and/or selfish. This balance of self-compassion powers is illustrated through the ancient Chinese concept of yin and yang, a metaphor which carries through the book in a number of helpful ways.
In Fierce Self-Compassion, Neff clearly articulates the importance for women to understand the importance of self-compassion for protecting, providing for, and motivating themselves. Throughout history, women have been discouraged or blocked outright from expressing fierce self-compassion. The result of this cultural limitation on women is widespread shame and squandering of the vast well of potential women have to offer. Self-compassion is a proven antidote to shame, and this book gives women permission to engage in fierce self-compassion to overcome shame. At this moment in history, with the world needing all the power available to address climate change, systemic racism, and massive economic disparities, we must tap into the force that is feminine fierceness.
Three purposes of self-compassion – to protect, provide, and motivate – each receive their own sections of the book, analyzing their expression using Neff’s model of self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. The science, examples, and practices found in each section make a persuasive case for fierce self-compassion, and chart a clear path for putting it into action.
Although Fierce Self-Compassion is targeted directly to women, this book needs to be read by men, especially those in leadership positions. Fierce compassion, which comes naturally to men from an evolutionary point of view and is encouraged culturally, is incomplete without tender self-compassion. Perhaps after reading this, fierce men will return to Self-Compassion and enthusiastically embrace compassionate traits to enhance the effectiveness of their ferocity. In addition, men need to take responsibility for the gender differences that exist in our world, and Fierce Self-Compassion offers a clear-eyed explanation of the unfair challenges faced by women, and how men can help address them.
Neff skillfully uses stories from her own personal history to illustrate the challenges and successes of fierce self-compassion. Reading about her experiences, one realizes that even though she is the dean of self-compassion academics, the depth of her wisdom comes from her own personal deep embodied experience, not just from a psychology lab.
Fierce Self-Compassion addresses the common misconception regarding self-compassion (and we would add compassionate leadership and compassion as well) that it will make you soft, weak, and uncaring about achievement. The scientific evidence is compelling on this point. People who strengthen their self-compassion see increased initiative, not decreases. Following mistakes, self-compassion increases rather than undermines taking personal responsibility. People who practice self-compassion are powerful achievers, not passive bystanders. Accepting ourselves compassionately gives us the sense of safety and stability needed to make changes in our lives. As Carl Rogers taught, “The curious paradox of life is that when I can accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
It is one thing to read about self-compassion – it only becomes a lived experience through practice. Neff is a gifted practice developer, and the book has multiple practices in each chapter. The practices are powerful tools for growth and exploration and to call upon in times of need.
Fierce Self-Compassion is an enjoyably readable book. Neff combines a prolifically published professor’s depth of knowledge with a clear, compelling, and engaging writing style. Her academic assertions are precise, and supported by fifty pages of footnotes. The text, blessedly, is uninterrupted by footnotes, adding to the book’s readability. Readers can access the extensive and valuable citations by page number.
Fierce Self-Compassion contributes generously to our understanding of self-compassion and our ability to practice it. Neff deftly combines the science and the wisdom of self-compassion to help us unlock our full potential. Although the book’s title expresses that it shows how women can harness the power of fierce self-compassion, this book should be read by everyone. We all have a part to play in helping women harness their fierce self-compassion powers, and everyone can deepen their appreciation of the value of a fully integrated self-compassion.
Photo Credit: Laura Berland.