From the day we are born, we are all wired with the same human desires – to feel safe, to be loved. These needs put us on paths to seek connection and offer opportunities for our purest expressions of our humanity. The way our world is currently structured, there are thousands of things that impede our attempts at getting these needs met. When leaders strive to create cultures of safety, connection, and belonging in our organizations, we are meeting those core human needs. This pursuit is a beautiful and needed endeavor. And we know, this is no easy feat.
Deadlines, personality styles, personal histories, miscommunications and even unsent emails are ripe with opportunities to misunderstand one another, leading to humorous missteps at best and harmful suffering at worst. To undertake the stewarding of people and mission can sometimes feel daunting.
When tough situations arise, we believe there is hope – starting with the practice of positive regard for all.
Believing that we can offer compassion to everyone, regardless of their behavior, is a foundational pillar to being a compassionate leader.
The compassionate leader is rooted in the ability to pause and notice what may be going on within ourselves and others, especially when tensions are starting to climb. When feeling overwhelmed or perplexed by another human being, we have the choice to invite ourselves to remember our shared humanity. One way to strengthen our feeling of connection is the traditional Just Like Me compassion practice.
Rooted in the truth that all of us experience difficult emotions and have to navigate challenges that isolate us from one another, this practice brings us back to our common human experience. You are welcome to use the suggested phrases here or feel free to adapt the phrases to the situation at hand and make them your own. While there are many interpretations of the exercise, we’ve adapted this version to fit common frustrations that happen in the workplace.
Such a thoughtful reflection might go something like this …
Upon feeling frustrated, one can pause, find space to turn inwards, bring the person or group causing a challenge to mind, and repeat these phrases to myself…
Just like me, they want to do well at work.
Just like me, they want to be appreciated.
Just like me, they want to feel purpose-full in their work.
Just like me, they want to have strong relationships.
Just like me, they want to matter.
After your reflection, check in with yourself to see if anything shifted. Did you notice a change in the intensity of your feelings toward the person or group causing a challenge? Did it allow you to find some commonalities that you share? To explore further, you can find another approach to this practice in this blog post.
Negative behaviors show up when people’s feelings of being unsafe or of not belonging are triggered. When we begin to understand what may be at stake for this other individual, we can begin to challenge the stories we’ve created in our heads about a situation, or about an employee or co-worker behaving in a way that is difficult. With practice, leaders can take this one step further, bringing a generous interpretation to the situation.
Rather than judging the individual, compassionate leaders look deeper into difficult behaviors and respond with understanding to these unmet basic human needs. Ask yourself, “What might be going on for this person that could cause them to behave this way?”
As you learn to invite this opening of non-judgment and generous interpretation, leaders have a responsibility to inquire and gently guide those who are suffering back to a place of peace and productivity. Positive regard for all is not about letting others off the hook. Nor is it about toxic positivity. Instead, these compassionate conversations can simultaneously recognize the inappropriateness of behavior and the worthiness of the one acting poorly.
Alan Mulally, former CEO of Ford, once shared his story of holding others accountable with author Patrick Lencioni. He shared that he’d remind people, “If you want to behave that way, it’s ok, but you can’t do it here. If you want to stay on the team, let’s find a way to make some changes.” We must first recognize the behavior that is unacceptable and provide ways to grow in order to alleviate the negative impacts. Compassionate leaders work with those who are struggling, rather than pointing fingers that shame or blame, or getting pulled in by negative judgements.
This practice takes work from both parties. Leaders must recognize the limits of our ability to support change in someone else and need to set clear boundaries around the negative behaviors themselves. As Alan says, “I still love you. And if you do that, you can’t work here.”
We can offer cultures of safety, connection, and belonging, and teammates may still choose to behave in unproductive or negative ways. Sometimes the compassionate response for the entire team or the organization is to separate from people who can’t stay within the boundaries of acceptable behavior. This too is compassionate leadership.
As we close, we invite you into a shared practice of well-wishing:
We wish for you to succeed.
We wish for you to build a thriving organization
We wish for your teams to make positive impacts
We wish for you to lead with compassion to change the world
And it starts with our common humanity and positive regard for all.