The holiday season brings many opportunities to celebrate with family, friends old and new, and our communities. We share these simple principles – listen carefully, work to understand the other’s thinking, try to avoid initiating emotionally hijacking language, and seek to find common ground – in service to creating goodwill and ease for all.
Say “I hear you.” The most important thing that you can do when someone shares with you is to pay attention, listen, and receive their message. When you are present that way, it shows them respect and that their ideas matter. Saying “I hear you” first will let them know of your attentiveness. Listening this way will also model for them a way that they may behave when you are speaking.
Say “Yes” before no. When someone brings forth an idea that just doesn’t work for you, before shooting the idea down, affirm some positive aspect of what they’ve brought forth. Admittedly, this requires a high level of non-judgmental awareness of some opinions, but you can do this. Your comments might focus on positive outcomes that you know others are interested in or appreciation for their courage to speak up.
Two important benefits come out of this. First, by avoiding “no” right away, you will decrease the chance that you immediately make the other person defensive, and cause them to shut down. In addition, your positive expression and modeling shows that you are listening and encourages them to listen to you as well.Remember, affirming some part of what someone says doesn’t mean you approve of other parts. An example of this might be, “I agree with you that a healthy economy is a good thing” even if you believe that the other person’s solution doesn’t create a healthy economy.
Say, “I have a different idea.” In the example just above, having said that “a healthy economy is a good thing,” the next thing to offer is your idea of how that could be brought about. Show your disagreement with their plan by sharing a different plan. Be specific about what’s good about your idea more than what’s bad (or dumb) about their idea. You probably aren’t going to convince your politically opposite uncle over the holiday table to come around to your side. So offer your thoughts in a kind way, knowing that brain research shows that will maximize the chance that they will actually be heard.
Say “Tell me more” instead of simply asking “Why?” The word “why” is a dangerous word that can easily convey judgment instead of curiosity, even when curiosity is the intent. It can make people defensive. But if you ask them to tell you more, you make it clear that you are listening and curious to learn more about their ideas.
Ask “I wonder if…?” Try this the next time you already know the answer or have a better solution. Instead of unilaterally declaring the answer, present your solution as an idea to be discussed. “I wonder” removes the suggestion that you know you are right. By conveying that you are open to considering other ideas, you also encourage others to consider your ideas. The longer you can keep the conversation going without making it be about who is right and who is wrong, the richer the conversation will be. Additionally, you never know what you may learn by staying open to inquiry instead of pure advocacy.
Remember our shared human experience is so much greater than our differences. This is technically not a language practice. Occasionally, someone else’s attitudes or comments make creating a dialogue next to impossible. We can, however, find an antidote to the frustration we may feel in that case by recognizing our similarities, our common humanity, and our interconnectedness. When we celebrate what we share as human beings, we open the door to empathy and compassion.
There is a powerful practice “Just Like Me,” that we offer at the Center for Compassionate Leadership that can be done anywhere, and only takes from two to ten minutes. If your holiday conversation becomes really toxic, you could retreat to a quiet corner or empty room and engage in the practice. It won’t change your relative, but it can change you.
Truth is, this recommended language is only useful with others who are willing to engage in discussion on a reasonable level. Perhaps you have a relative or friend who gets so challenging due to their hateful and/or exclusionary language that it is counterproductive to engage them in conversation. They aren’t going to hear what you say, and the discussion will only make you more upset. For people whose minds are firmly set, and who express hateful opinions towards those who disagree or who are different from them, reread number 6. You can still offer love and compassion, even for those who make offering love and compassion outrageously difficult. In fact, that may be the only thing you can do to maintain your own sense of balance.
The holidays bring out the best and the unintended worst in many of us. Try showing up with good intentions, stay grounded, and pay attention to your language. Although the challenges might reach back through generations, and have felt impossible to overcome in the past, you might just discover that you feel more at ease with a positive language and mindset. Enjoy!
This post is adapted from one of our more popular blog posts, “Language Matters: Use These Six Phrases to Create an Environment of Psychological Safety.” The original post described language to use in a work environment to promote team effectiveness, and has been refreshed here to apply to this holiday season with family and friends.