Hearing is one of our five basic senses, but all it means is that we perceive the sound made by someone or something via our ears. To listen, however, goes beyond the sound and requires our attention. In fact, the origin of the word “listen” comes from the Old English and German “to pay attention.”
This practice helps us listen with presence, which is quickly becoming a lost art in the everyday backdrop of constant distractions, disconnection, and discontent. We offer this brief exercise to reignite our listening skills, crucial for any leader or human being to effectively connect with others.
Present Listening Practice
Begin by choosing a partner, someone who is open and receptive to the idea of this communication practice. You may first prefer to try this with a friend or a close colleague at work. Sitting face-to-face is a wonderful setting for this practice, and it works just as well over Zoom so that you can hear and see each other.
For the topic, discuss a time when you didn’t feel you belonged, didn’t feel seen, or didn’t feel heard. Let this be about a previous situation that did not involve the listener, and caused you mild to moderate discomfort. Avoid topics relating to crisis or devastation.
If you prefer, you may also pick a more neutral topic that you both agree on.
Decide who will speak first and who will listen. Keep a timer handy to monitor the time.
First, thank each other for participating in the practice, and acknowledge that whatever is said during the practice remains confidential between you.
Begin by each taking three full, wide, slow breaths with eyes closed. Then slowly open your eyes and notice the level of connection between you.
When it is your turn to speak, share your story for three minutes. Share from your heart, and freely express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions.
When it is your turn to listen, remain quiet throughout the three minutes and listen with your full presence. Observe words, vocal tone, facial expressions, gestures, body language, energy, and the presence of the speaker. The listener’s role is to hold space for their partner and be there to receive the speaker’s story.
When the three minutes are up, the listener simply says, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” The speaker says, “Thank you for listening.”
Next, both partners sit quietly and take three full, wide, slow breaths with eyes closed. Allow the effects of speaking or listening to settle.
As you open your eyes, the partners exchange roles and repeat the process above. When the three minutes are up, the listener says, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” The speaker says, “Thank you for listening.”
As before, both partners sit quietly and take three full, wide, slow breaths with eyes closed. Allow the effects of speaking or listening to seep into your being.
This is the end of the practice.
What Comes Up?
For many people, this may feel like an incomplete activity. Our nature is to want to respond, to help, to fix, to advise. Internally, we often default to judging the other, instead of simply observing.
The power in this practice is a rich gift for both participants. The speaker will deeply appreciate the powerful gift of simply being seen and heard. We rarely get to experience the freedom of open expression, without judgment, shame, blame, or fear.
The listener is learning to skillfully observe and pay attention. The attention is focused not only on the language, but all meaningful non-verbal information that is conveyed along with the words.
Listening in this way can be a challenge when it is new, but practicing it regularly – both in exercises like this and in real-life interactions – can lead to powerful shifts in awareness, trust, and connection.