Right now, it seems harder than ever to talk to each other. If there is a divide between you and another person, and you would like it to narrow, then make the first move. As a leader, taking the initiative is important, even though it may be uncomfortable. When we bring awareness, empathy, and compassion to difficult conversations, positive outcomes follow. Use these three steps to guide you.
Start on common ground before you try to tackle differences.
There is almost certainly something shared with the other, or you wouldn’t be particularly interested in finding a way to repair the situation. You may have to go pretty far upstream to find a shared motive or value before the rivers diverge. But that’s okay. Recognizing that you have commonalities can enable both of you to be more open and receptive to the conversation. Appreciate and acknowledge these commonalities out loud. This can immediately defuse the stance of divisiveness and set the stage to jointly explore your differences.
For example, you can say, “I see that we are both committed to the safety of our city, and we have some different ideas about how we can achieve that safety. Help me understand how you arrived at your perspective, and I’ll tell you about my thought process.” Injecting a sense of genuine curiosity can take you both into inquiry and away from fear.
Be prepared to listen.
So much of our time can be wasted in conversations where the two streams of thought pass each other like two ships in the night. Begin by listening deeply, wholeheartedly, and without judgment. This will make sure that your responses meet the other right where they are. If we assume that we know what they think, or why they think it, we will end up discussing at a level that is of no interest to the other. We all want to be heard, and listening ensures that the other can direct their energies to sharing their feelings instead of to making you hear them.
Let go of right and wrong.
Let go of good and bad. Let go of it being personal, if that is possible. Know that this person has opinions, thoughts, and beliefs, just like all of us. That’s part of being human. Don’t expect to change the other person’s mind. Offer your ideas freely with no expectation of them being accepted.
Focusing on common ground is critical as your entry point, but it is also important to acknowledge your differences with respect. For our ancestors, differences were very dangerous. We have evolved a threat detection system that causes us to initially react to differences as danger. This sense of threat can be magnified when confidence in our own position is somewhat uncertain. The antidote is to be willing to name our differences directly, learn from each other, collaborate on solutions and not compete.
Be brave. It takes courage to initiate and facilitate this approach. When we do, we open the door to connection, and that connection can be the first step towards compassionate conversations.