This is the third post in our series about Overcoming Obstacles. You can catch up to the first two posts here and here.
We have a big challenge. Deep in our cells, we carry a competitive, anxious drive that has enabled our species to survive and evolve to the point we have reached today. This deep imprint, which we often aren’t even aware is pushing us, impels us to work and acquire well past the point of survival. This drive, however, was not built for sustainability, wellbeing, or a just world for all of humanity. Can we confront ourselves in a way that moves us to courageously make choices that support thriving – for ourselves and the whole world – in our leadership and life?
As we continue to explore overcoming the obstacles to compassionate leadership, we turn our attention in this installment of the series to the issues of perfectionism and the difficulty of setting healthy boundaries. In our surveys of participants in our compassionate leadership training programs, these two issues consistently arise as personal challenges for leaders. They are often also coupled with survey responses that express a challenge with self-compassion.
The complexity of these challenges suggests a multi-pronged approach to overcoming them: Deepen your awareness of the challenges of perfectionism and boundary setting. Recognize the benefits of saying no. Engage in practices that will strengthen your resolve to make choices that support your own health and well-being, allowing you to live and work at your full potential.
Develop a full awareness of how you feel.
One challenge with perfectionism and difficulty in setting boundaries is that they are both motivated with positive intent. Our perfectionist tendencies often arise from our desire to make as much impact as possible, while our difficulty setting boundaries can come from our desire to say yes to something productive as well. Rarely, however, are our choices simply good or bad, and an understanding of our decisions at deeper levels can help us set boundaries even when that means saying no to something that is positive on its own.
An important way to move deeper into your understanding of any given choice is to turn your attention to a full-bodied awareness of how the choice is making you feel. If someone asks you to help out with a worthy project, what are the different reactions you feel? Does your admiration for the work sit along some fear or dread about how taking on something new will impact your life? If so, listen to those additional thoughts and feelings. Explore them non-judgmentally to allow yourself to make a fully informed decision, one that is aware of all of the impacts of your decision.
Understand the benefits of boundaries.
Healthy boundaries in our life, whether they are work-life boundaries or otherwise, are shown by research to contribute to our own well-being. Our intention to do well and do as much as we can is clearly valuable. But when we are focused only on doing more and more, we lose sight of the fact that sometimes doing more might actually undermine our helpfulness.
A recharged mind and spirit helps us with our creativity and with our ability to be resilient and bounce back quickly as negative challenges arise. We need our relationships with others, healthy sleep and nutrition, reflection time, and exercise to maintain a complete, whole self.
The direct benefits of saying yes are often more visible than the secondary impacts that follow on. Naming those second order effects can help us recognize that saying no can also have benefits. It is important to recognize that when we set a boundary and say no to one thing, this creates openings to say yes to other things.
Reframe your perspective.
The challenge with perfectionism is that it causes us to always view the proverbial glass as not full enough, even if it is 95% full. Most of us are familiar with gratitude practices, and one potential antidote to perfectionism is expressing gratitude for that which you have accomplished. Instead of naming what is not good enough, try to name where we have done well. Our behavior follows our attention. When we focus on what we have accomplished, it will actually reinforce that behavior, increasing our motivation to do more. While it may seem counter-intuitive, gratitude is a more helpful motivator than perfectionism.
Perfectionism can arise from a place of feeling “not enough” or feeling unworthy. If that is true for you, it is helpful to intentionally recognize that you are worthy of wellbeing and flourishing. If you had a friend experiencing the stresses you are experiencing, you would likely empathize with them. Offer the same support to yourself. A traditional lovingkindness practice starts with wishes for yourself, so consider engaging regularly in such a practice. This will support you in affirming your intention to be happy and safe at the same time it affirms others.
Another powerful practice you can use to strengthen your boundary setting intention is to use the practice we call “Note to a Dear Friend.” When you face a challenge, self-kindness can help you keep a balanced perspective around your choices. For many of us, we have a difficult time electing that which we need most. So, remove yourself from the analysis and consider the issue as if it were one being faced by a dear friend. The distance will help you gain perspective.
Each of these practices help us to step outside of ourselves and gain objectivity and greater awareness toward our condition.
In closing.
Saying no is hard, especially when the “no” is in response to something that is good. It takes fierce self-compassion to courageously choose what is best for you, even if that means disappointing someone else. Tap into your deeper wisdom when choosing where to place your precious attention and energy. And remember to replenish yourself often throughout the day with moments of awe, wonder, and gratitude.
When we acknowledge we are doing the best we can and set boundaries in healthy ways, space opens up for the things that truly matter and give our life deeper meaning.
This is the third post in our series about Overcoming Obstacles. For the next post in this series, click here.