As humans, we are wired to survive. In the face of danger, our instincts tell us to freeze or flee, adrenaline pumps through our veins, and our hearts race. Unfortunately, we’re all familiar with varying levels of feeling unsafe.
The dictionary definition of vulnerability is “the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.”
The possibility of being attacked?
It’s only natural for people to think, “But why would I want to expose myself to that?”
In workplaces and organizations, there may not be tigers lurking around the corner, but the threats are real. We are stressed with presentations to funders, a change in scope, or an unexpected end of a contract. We have to prepare for a difficult conversation, or may be considering lay-offs, or facing a Board Room conversation. Perhaps it’s difficult to tell a colleague no. If I asked you what made your blood pressure rise at work, you’d probably be able to tick off a thing or two.
What if, however, we can instead embrace the possibilities that arise when we allow ourselves to be exposed, just a little bit more. We are not just wired for survival. We are also wired for connection in order to create, build, and grow in ways that can only be done in community. It is only through opening up to others, i.e. becoming vulnerable, that we can develop these healthy connections.
We often respond to challenge with the ingrained belief that vulnerability is weakness. Older command and control models of success often include stoic leaders in stuffy suits, standing with armor at the top of the stairs, looking down on others with orders or mandates. Nothing and no one can put this leader off kilter.
These times call for us to shed such old beliefs and embrace our humanity. Compassionate leadership offers us the path to becoming a strong, effective leader through connection and care. Emma Seppälä wrote in Harvard Business Review, “While we may try to appear perfect, strong or intelligent in order to be respected by others, pretense often has the opposite effect intended. Research by Paula Niedenthal shows that we resonate too deeply with one another to ignore inauthenticity. Just think of how uncomfortable you feel around someone you perceive as ’taking on airs’” or ’putting on a show.’”
And yet, there are quiet voices inside all of us, when faced with threats of fear and uncertainty, that say we are not supposed to take off the chainmail just yet. We all feel the many things that might cause us to wobble along the way.
As the conversation continues to change, both about the call to be vulnerable at work, and the necessity for showing up differently, we want to reflect on the opportunities that exist when we can embrace our vulnerability. There’s an art to sharing elements of your journey with your team.
For leaders, vulnerability is not sharing your deepest, darkest moments with your teams. It’s not heaping on your struggles, or oversharing about personal conflicts. Instead, it’s about sharing your uncertainty, and what you’re going to do about it with those who need to know.
And perhaps an even simpler definition, as Brené Brown invites, “Is the courage to be yourself.”
When leaders allow themselves to be vulnerable, they are actually showing and sharing their humanity. Research tells us that those who can do this well are actually viewed as stronger leaders, contrary to our fears. While people fear that being seen in their wholeness reveals weakness, in fact, it’s just the reverse.
We need leaders who can bravely share honest truths about the reality of what’s unfolding at each moment in time for the team and for them as individuals. And, strong leaders can call upon others when they don’t have all the answers or need additional inputs. There’s a delicate balance to naming a challenging reality and inviting others to face the problem. Leaders who are open about not knowing all the answers inspire others to come up with solutions.
It’s tempting to project ourselves as competent and in control. However, when we attempt to thwart the risk of being exposed, we miss a quiet invitation. When we put up protective walls to limit our vulnerability, those walls also keep out positive things – especially human connection. We can't build connection with walls of protection in place.
As you consider sharing your vulnerability, you may also first extend compassion to yourself. In the moments where things feel uncertain and scary, place a hand to your heart and breath. Give yourself space to not know. And then ask yourself who can you bravely invite into your not knowing? Name the situation, ask for help, and then say, “Here’s what we’re going to do next.”
For more writings on the power of vulnerability at work, you can read these past posts:
Compassionate Leaders Go First
And please share your experiences with these ideas in the comments below.