Speaking up can be a scary act. What if people think I’m not smart enough? If I bring a contrarian view forward, will it be a mark against me? Examples abound of leaders who shoot messengers bringing opinions that differ from what they think they want to hear. Creating cultures that celebrate those willing to speak up and become vulnerable starts with leaders. If you want others to take risks for you, show your own vulnerability and trust first.
Vulnerability is hard
No one enjoys feeling vulnerable. When we are, we innately know we are exposed, at risk. Our survival instinct drives us to stay protected, and vulnerability runs counter to that survival instinct. Unfortunately, the same walls we put up to protect ourselves from potential attack also keep out the human connections that allow for effective collaboration and teamwork, and the fear of vulnerability becomes harmful.
Our research at the Center for Compassionate Leadership confirms how hard it is for leaders to allow themselves to become vulnerable. In the midst of the COVID-19 pandemic, we asked leaders and their teams about the leader’s vulnerability. While 54% of leaders said they were being vulnerable, only 28% of team members said that they were observing the same thing from their leaders. This vulnerability gap demonstrates that even leaders who would like to show vulnerability have a hard time letting that intention be seen.
Vulnerability is a trait of a strong leader
One reason leaders resist being demonstrably vulnerable is that they believe that it causes them to appear weak. Research shows that just the opposite is true. Leaders who allow themselves to be vulnerable are judged by their team to be stronger leaders. Instead of appearing weak, vulnerability reveals leaders to be human and relatable, and makes it easier for team members to connect, trust, share common goals, and work together.
When you are brave and speak up first, you may find that many other people have been thinking or feeling the same thing. In a recent cohort of compassionate leadership training, an incredibly accomplished and strong leader spoke up about their feeling of isolation and exhaustion. All heads were nodding in agreement, and several in the peer group opened up about their own similar experiences. It was as if the elephant in the room had been revealed, and we all noticed the immediate comfort that created for others to feel safe and vulnerable about this issue as well. Each peer started talking about their own situations by first thanking the initial speaker for daring to say the unsaid and having the courage to bring this challenge to the surface for the group.
Create a “yes, go first” culture
Start with yourself, and make sure you are ready to be fully vulnerable when you look at yourself in the mirror. Have you moved past many of your internal limiting beliefs that keep you from taking risks and moving outside your comfort zone?
When you stand fully in your authenticity and truth, you are able to hear ideas that might be different from your own ways of thinking. You won’t be threatened when your team members speak up with a different point of view. Receiving information from such a stable, confident position will encourage others to share their best information.
As a compassionate leader, recognize the protective instincts among your team members. If they have information that would be useful to you but are hesitant to speak up due to a fear of being exposed or attacked, then you won’t get the intelligence you need. Explicitly grant permission! Your job is to make it clear that it is safe for them to be the first one to voice a concern or a new creative idea.
You do this through your words and your actions. Model vulnerability, courage, and trust. Tell your team, “You are my eyes and ears wherever you go. I can’t see all that you see, and I need you to let me know what you are seeing and hearing.” Then back up your words with actions. Honor those who speak up in risky situations, even if their ideas are off the mark. You can celebrate their initiative even if you choose not to move in the direction they suggested. Don’t allow differing opinions to become win/lose scenarios.
In closing…
As leaders we all need support. We can never do it all alone. Creating a space for vulnerability and courageous action is not only great for your team and the organization. You will benefit greatly as well – no longer will you carry the burden alone for coming up with all the best solutions or brilliant ideas. Relax a bit and let your shoulders soften. When we all share from a place of vulnerability and openness, where all ideas are welcome, it calls our best selves forward.
Let’s imagine a world where we can all speak up in loving, compassionate ways without fear of ridicule or rejection; where we pour out generous affection without worrying about whether it will be returned. The beautiful poet Hafez has imagined that world in his poem “With That Moon Language.”
With That Moon Language
By Hafez
Translated by Daniel Ladinsky
Admit something:
Everyone you see, you say to them,
“Love Me.”
Of course you do not do this out loud;
Otherwise,
someone would call the cops.
Still though, think about this,
This great pull in us
To connect.
Why not become the one
Who lives with a full moon in each eye
That is always saying,
With that sweet moon
Language,
What every other eye in this world
is dying to
Hear.